Title: Harsh Morning
Series: Random Thoughts
Author: Kizmet
email: kkizmet@hotmail.com

Summary: Buffy's POV after "Smashed"

Disclaimer: Premise and characters borrowed from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".
________________________________________________________________________

// Trapped inside a twisted world //
// I cant even decide whats real anymore //
// As if I ever knew //

A morning person I am not, this morning least of all. Sleep clings, like a
protective blanket, around the edges of my mind.

I dont want to wake up; I know its going to be bad. Worse I mean, every
morning is bad, waking up to a world I should have left behind forever.

I remember loving this place, but its different now. Youre different
now, a voice whispers in the back of my head.

// Tangled in these silhouettes //
// Floating face down in a river of regrets //
// And thoughts of you //

Im sore, bruised from fighting and sore in a way I havent been since
Riley

The surface under my legs and stomach is hard, gritty. It grates against my
bare skin. The grime sticks to the sweat and and other fluids covering
me, making me feel dirty.

My head and chest are pillowed on something cool and smooth.

When my eyes finally crack open, Im staring at someones bare chest,
sculpted muscles, hollowed stomach Okay eyes, lets not go there Pale skin,
very pale, very still too not broad enough.

I didnt, I couldnt have.

// You believed shed never leave //
// Rosie cheeked and oh so young //
// And full of flame //

What happened to me?

What happened to the girl who used to whisper with Willow about boys and one
not-boy over neglected text books; The girl who went on non-date, coffee
dates, who snuck kisses during patrol and through an open window. The girl
who, so innocently, wondered about the rightness and wrongness of seizing
the day, among other things, what became of her?

She loved this world and fought for it and her right to be a part of it with
fire and passion. She taught Kendra to do the same and then and then she
died.

// Here in this bed of emptiness //
// Button by button, what have I done? //
// And only twenty-one //

And she came back, came back wrong.

The girl who I used to be would never be waking up here, beside Spike.

She wouldnt need to be reaching, oh so slowly, for her shirt. Wanting to
cover her shameful nakedness, but afraid to wake her bedmate, because those
knowing blue eyes are going to make her feel so much more ashamed than
nakedness ever could.

Clear blue eyes, like the summer sky, free of remorse or guilt; a killers
eyes, my lovers eyes, although even Angelus would be hard pressed to twist
the word enough to make it cover what Spike and I did.

Im ever so much older than the pages on the calendar would indicate. So
much further removed from the girl who was than the mere passage of time
could make me. Dying sure changes a person.

// Gone like the broken words at your feet //
// Youre gone in the venom lips that kiss me //
// Sweetly gone //

How many times do I have to die?

I died and came back to fight more battles. I died when you were lost, my
only love. I died when I killed you. I died when you left me. I died when
I gave myself so cheaply. I wanted to die when the one who wanted to
replace you left me. I died with my mommy one very normal afternoon. I
died when I failed to protect my sister. I died again and was buried to
save both her and this world.

How many deaths can I die before all thats left is an empty corpse? Or has
that already happened?

You left me! He left me. Mom left. Dad left so long ago I hardly remember
what it was like to have him. And now Giles is gone too.

Because Im better off without you. Because I dont need you. Because
thats how life works. Because you dont care. Because Im so strong.
Because youre in my way.

Cant any of you see my bodys cut open and bleeding? My insides are
falling out on the floor and no one sees but this beautiful killer beside
me.

He pushes them back inside me and rearranges them to suit him better. He
licks the blood from my skin and helps make me look whole for those who need
to see me as safety and stability. The ones that need me to be okay, even
when Im not.

And even if his touch is poison, at least it burns as it destroys me. I
dont feel any other warmth in this awful place.

// Like a frightened bird into the sky //
// Wont you take everything I ever had //
// And leave me to die //

Maybe its better that youve all left me. You dont want to see whats
left of me.

Spike likes this broken, lost thing Ive become. The rest of you would
stare at it in horror if you ever bothered to really look at me. I dont
like what it is that Ive become, why would anyone else?

You all took a part of me when you left. Now Im hollow inside, not even
human. I wish I were like him, like you, my love; I wish I could look in
the mirror and see nothing. It would hurt less than facing this thing that
couldnt possibly be me every single morning.

Authors Note: the song is Holy Tears by Tara MacLean.